


You're Not Losers, You're Idiots

by jujitsuelf



Category: The Losers (2010), The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Blowjobs, Clay's idea of 'helping out' is screwed up, Flirty boys, M/M, jealous boys, jealous idiots, supply closets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 12:28:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1347451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jujitsuelf/pseuds/jujitsuelf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a couple of weeks since Bar-gate and Jensen and Cougar still aren't talking to each other. Clay decides enough is enough, he cannot deal with lover's tiffs on his team. Of course, his idea of an intervention isn't quite like a normal person's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're Not Losers, You're Idiots

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer – All publicly recognizable characters, settings etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended  
> ***  
> Huge thanks to 3white_mage3 for both the original prompt and the title.  
> ***  
> I live for feedback! And pizza, but feedback makes me happy and is less calorie-loaded.

"We need to do something about those two idiots." Roque dropped into a chair and fixed Clay with a steely glare.

Clay sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. His office was supposed to be an inner sanctum and here Roque was invading it.

"Who exactly are we talking about?" he asked, stalling for time, he knew precisely who Roque meant.

Roque’s eyes narrowed. "Our very own Romeo and Juliet."

Clay sniggered. "I hope you cast Cougar as Romeo because he’ll be pissed as hell if not."

"At the moment Cougar is the world’s least romantic Romeo and Jensen is the pissiest Juliet I’ve ever seen."

"They still not talking?" Clay sighed again.

Roque shook his head. "I don’t know what went on or who said what to whom but if we don’t do something soon, we‘re gonna get deployed with a lover’s tiff going in on the middle of our team."

"Lovers who know how to kill each other in a variety of ways." Clay grimaced at the headache which was building behind his temples. "This is why I stick to non-military women."

"What about that para-military girl you screwed around with a few years back?" Roque frowned.

"Doesn’t count," Clay grinned. "She didn’t try to shoot me."

"As I recall, she tried to get her utterly fucking insane girlfriend to do it for her." Roque clearly took great pleasure in reminding Clay of his past romantic failures.

"Back to the matter at hand," Clay said sternly. "You really think there’s a problem with our resident love birds?"

"Jensen’s so quiet it’s even starting to freak me out," Roque replied. "If he doesn’t start babbling again soon I’m going to have to pick up the slack. The silence is killing me."

"I’d pay to hear you babble like Jensen," Clay chuckled wearily. "Okay, leave it with me. I’ll sort something out."

***

Roque was right. Jensen was freakily quiet and looked as depressed as a turkey in November. Cougar’s eyes were blank, he looked like a man only an inch from hurting someone.

Clay eyed them both as they stood in front of him. Shit, he hadn’t signed up to be a relationship counselor. What was he supposed to say to a world-class sniper and the best tech man he’d ever known? This was so far above his pay grade.

In the end he settled for gruff and authoritative. "Look, I don’t know what the hell’s going on with you two but whatever it is, it ends now, understand?"

Blue eyes and brown stared at him, neither face giving anything away.

Clay tried again. "Is there a problem you’d like to share with the class?"

"No, sir." Jensen and Cougar murmured together.

"Do not try to bullshit me," Clay growled. "I invented the art of bullshitting senior officers. I know every trick in the goddamned book. Alvarez," he stared straight into Cougar’s eyes. "What’s up with you and my tech op?"

 

"Nothing, sir," Cougar said quietly.

Clay raised an eyebrow but turned to Jensen and barked, "Jensen. What’s up with you and my sniper?"

"Nothing, sir," was Jensen’s clear reply.

Nodding gently and shuffling some paperwork, Clay said, "Okay, if that’s the way you want to play it. Dismissed."

Cougar and Jensen saluted and left the room silently.

Clay rubbed his chin and plotted his next move.

***

It had all started with a misunderstanding, really. Cougar didn’t mean to be a terrible flirt, it just came naturally to him. Jensen knew that and usually had enough sense to not get annoyed when Cougar smiled at women and responded to their chat-up lines.

But somehow one thing had led to another in a bar a few weeks ago when, on a team pub crawl and unofficial date night for those in so-called relationships, Cougar had ended up spending more time with a girl than he had with Jensen. Jensen, not to be outdone, had responded by flirting shamelessly with all the bartenders and also spent the evening being very touchy-feely with an on-leave Marine.

Looking back at the whole car crash, Jensen did kind of wish he hadn’t been practically in the guy’s lap when Cougar found him. But far from the jealous fit he’d half expected Cougar to throw, all the sniper did was bite his lip, shrug and walk away.

That was what needled at Jensen more than anything. Damn it, they were supposed to be trying to make it work between them, weren’t they? Since when did stable relationships include ignoring one’s other half in favor of a total stranger? Since he was dating Cougar, his rational brain insisted. Cougar flirted as easily as he breathed, it probably hadn’t even been intentional.

Technically they were still maintaining a cover, DADT might be gone but their superiors may not be too welcoming of the news that two members of the same team were getting it on together. Cougar was just keeping a certain level of plausible deniability, wasn’t he? Clever Cougar. Except no, fucking bad Cougar for being all over that bitch and ignoring Jensen to the point of him having to flirt with a Marine.

What they should both have done was sit down and calmly talk it out between them. But Jensen wasn’t the calmest of people and Cougar’s jealousy, while not the explosive kind Jensen had been expecting, did apparently run very deep. He kept shooting Jensen reproachful looks and turning away when Jake tried to speak to him.

After a few days of avoidance, Jensen’s guilt over the Marine changed into irrational dislike of the girl Cougar had been talking to. She was a bitch, just another cheap skank trying to get into Cougar’s pants, she had no class, taking another man’s man was a below the belt shot, she was evil! He tried to tell all this to Cougar but once again received a very cool brush-off.

Fine. If Cougar wanted to play the ‘I’m not talking to you’ game, so would he. Cougar would crack first. Probably.

***

Contrary to popular belief, Cougar wasn’t a jealous man. He knew how to share, coming from a large family had taught him that at a very early age. But Jake Jensen did things to him which he honestly did not understand.

The sight of Jensen draped all over that Marine, that admittedly cute Marine, made Cougar’s blood boil in ways he’d never before known. Okay, maybe he’d been paying a little too much attention to the girl at the bar but that was purely in Jensen’s own interests. Maintaining a cover was essential if they were to keep the brass from knowing what was going on between them.

Plus the girl was friendly and interesting and kept insisting on buying Cougar drinks. He was under no illusions as to her motives, she was practically eye-fucking him but he had no intention of going home with anyone but his slightly insane tech op boyfriend.

But the smile Jensen shot him when he found him with that Marine...Cougar’s jealousy didn’t have time to kick in before he felt himself shrug and turn away. Avoidance was easier than confrontation, especially in a crowded bar.

However, as the days went by, avoidance became the best idea most of the time. Cougar was jealous and hurt, really fucking hurt, that Jensen seemed to think he’d want some random woman when he already had the best man in the fucking world. Hurt turned to anger and anger was best kept under wraps. So Cougar walked away when Jensen opened his mouth to speak and didn’t press him to talk when he fell uncharacteristically silent.

It would all get sorted out in the end. Everyone had these little spats, right?

***

"Okay, everybody know what to do?" Clay looked at Roque and Pooch in turn. They nodded grimly, each holding a black fabric bag.

Clay cracked his knuckles and wedged himself into a corner of the corridor which led to the mess. Cougar and Jensen would be along soon, doing their now-typical ‘we’re walking together but not actually talking or acknowledging each other’ thing.

Roque and Pooch didn’t wait for Clay’s signal before jumping out and snapping the bags over Cougar and Jensen’s heads. They were lucky surprise was on their side and they had a moment before Cougs and Jensen began fighting back.

Clay snicked handcuffs around Cougar’s wrists as Pooch pulled them behind his back and muttered into his ear, "Only us, Cougar, relax."

Cougar stopped struggling but muttered a few choice Spanish curses.

Once Jensen was similarly handcuffed and reassured, Clay led the way to the destination he’d scoped out the day before, Roque and Pooch guiding the other two behind him.

"In." He yanked open the supply closet door and waited as Cougar and Jensen each stumbled in, helped by pushes from Roque and Pooch.

"Okay." Pulling the bags from their heads, he glared at his two enfants-terribles. "Enough of this not talking to each other crap. Sort out your shit, right now. We’ll let you out when you’re done and not before, so you’d better make it quick."

He held up the handcuff keys. "Think you can do it without violence or do I just take these with me and go get dinner?"

Cougar’s eyes were promising retribution but he mutely turned and stuck his hands out, then rubbed his wrists as Clay released him.

Naturally Jensen was more voluble. "Boss, this is kidnapping and coercion. Is this allowed? I mean, does the army condone this? Is this the couples counseling you’ve been going to all these years? If so, no offense but no wonder you’re still single and dating batshit hotties who want to kill you."

"Handcuffs on or off, Jensen?" Clay barked.

"Off, sir," Jensen replied obediently.

"Okay, start talking because the pair of you are staying in there till you’re all lovey-dovey and disgustingly happy again." Clay kicked the door shut and made sure it was firmly locked, then turned to grin at Pooch and Roque. "Works every time."

Pooch groaned. "Boss, I don’t want to know how many people you’ve pushed into supply closets."

Clay smirked and tossed him the key. "Roque will be back to relieve you later. If they want out, call me before you open the door."

Pooch nodded and pulled a paperback from his pocket. "Yes, sir, Boss."

As they walked away, Roque muttered in Clay’s ear. "You do realize they might just get to killing each other before they start talking, don’t you?"

"They won’t," Clay replied confidently. "They’ll be fine." _I hope_ , he mentally added.

***

Jensen stared at Cougar as he rubbed his wrists and leaned back against the wall. Damn it, this wasn’t going to end well. Fuck Clay and his interfering ways.

Cougar didn’t seem worried, folding his arms and fixing his gaze on a point on the ceiling.

Jensen inwardly cursed. He’d be the one to talk first, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t be able to help it, words just tended to erupt from him, especially in times of stress. Well, he’d hold out for as long as he could, just like Mr. Super-Cool Sniper over there.

Mirroring Cougar, Jensen folded his arms and leaned against the opposite wall, shifting his eyes to a point far above Cougar’s face. They were probably going to be in there for a while.

***

Cougar kept his face impassive but his mental monologue wasn’t its usual calm self. _Shit, what was he supposed to do now? Would Clay really leave them in there until they cleared the air between them? Would clearing the air be such a bad thing?_

Jensen wasn’t looking at him, Cougar was a tiny bit relieved. He wanted to just grab Jake and kiss him till all the tension went away but something held him back. Would Jensen welcome it if he did that?

He tilted his hat further forward over his face and gnawed on his lip.

***

"Hello?" Jensen banged on the door, the need to do something overtaking his desire to stay quiet for longer than Cougar. "Anyone out there?"

"You two kissed and made up yet?" Pooch replied.

"Yeah," Jensen lied, deliberately not looking at Cougar.

"Bullshit," Pooch said. "Nobody makes up that fast. Call me again when you’ve done it for real." He was quiet for a minute, then said more gently, "This is for your own good, you know."

"My mother used to tell me that when she made me eat carrots," Jensen grumbled, but stepped away from the door.

Silence fell again and Jensen wondered how long a man could take the quiet before he went mad.

***

"Didn’t mean anything." Cougar hadn’t intended to say a word but somehow the thought in his brain slipped out of his mouth.

Jensen blinked, cleaned his glasses, then pouted but didn’t reply.

"She came onto me." Cougar tried again. They’d been in that damn closet for a while now and he was getting hungry. Plus his feet were tired from standing up so long.

"I noticed that." Jensen’s voice was acidic. "Didn’t do much to get away from her though, did you?"

Cougar pursed his lips and glared.

"You got a thing for skinny brunettes?" Jensen went on, color staining his cheeks. "If you want to blow this whole thing off and get yourself a girlfriend, that’s cool, whatever."

Cougar was across the room with his hands wrapped around Jensen’s biceps before either of them knew what was happening.

"No," he hissed, right into Jensen’s face. "Don’t want her. Want you."

"You sure?" Jensen shot back, his nose a bare inch from Cougar’s. "’Cause you seemed pretty cozy with that bitch at the bar."

"Marine," Cougar countered, squeezing Jensen’s arms. "You wanted him?"

Jensen looked at him for a minute, breathing heavily and biting the inside of his mouth. "No," he finally said softly. "I was just pissed off. But you already knew that."

"I didn’t mean anything," Cougar said again. "Figured it was a good cover, being seen with her."

"Too good," Jensen replied ruefully.

"She kept buying drinks."

"You could have just said no."

Cougar nodded, feeling like more of an idiot than he had since high school.

"That Marine wasn’t nearly as hot as you."

Cougar couldn’t help a little smirk.

"I hate not talking to you." Jensen rested his forehead forward against Cougar’s. "Been going crazy, stuck in my own head."

"Sorry," Cougar muttered. "All got out of hand, I guess."

A tiny laugh vibrated through Jensen. "I thought everything was gonna go south. Figured something this good can’t last too long. Like those flowers which open in the morning and then die at sundown. I really don’t want to be a day-only flower, Cougs. I don’t know what is is we’ve got going on, but it’s good, yeah?"

Cougar nodded vehemently. Damn right it was good. Best relationship he’d ever had, in fact. To think that stupid, mindless flirting and deep-seated paranoia of anyone finding out about them had driven the pair of them to almost destroy all the good stuff they’d had...

He kissed Jensen before he got too carried away in his self-loathing. With a little relieved sigh, Jensen kissed him back.

When they broke apart, Jensen stared at Cougar, unusually serious. "We can’t do this again, okay? People are going to notice if we have spats all the time and if we’re not careful it’ll start screwing up the team."

"I know," Cougar mumbled, anxious to get back to the kissing. "No more fights."

"No more flirting with random women and ignoring me all night," Jensen said smoothly.

Cougar nodded, his mouth against Jensen’s neck.

"Just to be clear," Jensen went on, ignoring the kisses Cougar pressed down under his shirt collar. "A little flirting in the name of a good cover story is okay."

He slid his fingers into Cougar’s hair and pulled his face up, staring into his eyes. "And no brunettes or redheads. You wanna flirt, find yourself a blonde. Understand?"

Cougar grinned despite the tiny pin-pricks of pain in his scalp where Jake was gripping his hair a shade too hard. Jealous Jensen, that was undeniably hot. "Understand," he agreed. "No more Marines for you, then."

"Nah," Jensen said dismissively. "I’m an Army boy all the way."

Cougar smirked again.

"We good?" Jensen’s fingers were more gentle now, rubbing tiny circles in Cougar’s hair.

"Good," Cougar said, bending his head to kiss his favorite spot below Jensen’s jaw.

"Fair enough." Jensen released Cougar’s hair, put both hands on his shoulders and pushed him down to his knees. "But I think you’ll find you started this fuck-up so I demand an apology, sir."

Normally, Cougar would have argued over whose fault it was but blowing Jensen wasn’t exactly a hardship. Plus they were in a locked supply closet, so technically they had a little more privacy than usual. Cougar smiled and licked his lips.

***

"They done yet?" Clay strolled up to Pooch and jerked his chin at the still-closed closet door.

"Not a peep out of ‘em for the past half-hour," Pooch replied, marking his place in his book. "I was starting to worry."

Clay pressed his ear up against the door, then shrugged. "They’re either both dead or they’ve made up."

Pooch held up the key. "Care to find out?"

Chuckling, Clay unlocked the door and pulled it open. He stuck his head inside the little room, paused for a moment, then slowly withdrew again.

"What? What’s going on?" Pooch demanded as Clay carefully shut the door.

"They’re fine," Clay said, his voice more strained than he cared for. "I think they’ve stopped fighting now. You can go. They’ll be out when they’re done."

Pooch looked mystified but had obviously long since learned to just accept things in the crazy team which made up his army life. "Okay."

Clay watched him leave, then cracked the door open a half inch and took another peek inside. A soft groan floated out, along with a mumbled, "Cougar, fuck, Cougs..."

The door clicked closed and Clay walked away, surreptitiously adjusting his pants. His team was fine. A little dysfunctional, but then all the best families were a bit messed up. Nothing to be worried about.

***

Inside the closet, Jensen slumped against the wall and gasped. For saying not long ago they’d been fighting, Cougar gave an excellent apology blowjob. Pulling him up to his feet, he kissed the sniper, more than a little turned on again at the taste of himself on Cougar’s tongue.

"I’ll take care of that in a minute," he slurred, patting Cougar’s cock. "Just lemme...yeah. Good job, buddy."

Cougar adjusted his hat and grinned. "No rush. I ain’t going nowhere."

Jensen smiled. Neither was he. They were going to be fine.


End file.
